Diamonds Are Forever on Prime Video — Men Are Mere Mortals
There is no denying that Connery has been looking bored, and perhaps, a tad out of shape since You Only Live Twice. His lack of interest is too obvious. The guy quit so some other guy can wear skirts with hanging metal balls on his dress.
It’s unfortunate that George Lazenby stopped almost immediately after making one movie. So, Connery is back, thanks to ‘money, dear boy’.
For all intentions and purposes, this movie is almost as bad as You Only Live Twice. Yet, I enjoyed it, very much. After having sat through OHMSS and You Only Live Twice, my expectations from a bond movie are now tempered.
No movie franchise can keep striking quality gold each and every time. Even Harry Potter movies got tiresome at the end.
Connery is Back, Yes!
Ever since I saw Connery say, ‘Bond, James Bond’ at that casino desk in response to Sylvia Trench, I have been hooked to this dude. His enthusiasm for these movies has reduced, but, that does not change that he is a natural. Even when he is sleeping walking through the role, he is still very good.
I am happy he is back. Along with him, comes all the usual bond tropes. The opening credits song is also back. I love Shirley Bassey’s voice and it sets the mood. Not having a song in OHMSS sort of ticked me of. The bond movies might have varying quality but songs and the music have always been top notch.
The ‘subtle’ mockery humor of M, Money Penny towards Bond is also back.
Q, once again, has not much to do. There a couple of fun conversations between Bond and Quarter Master involving a very clever usage of finger prints. Action scenes make a come back with regular frequency, and Bond executes all of them whilst wearing appropriate clothing. There are also some ‘cool’ moments like when takes an ‘elevator’ ride, on top of the elevator.
I loved the car chase through Las Vegas. I know people think Las Vegas is played out, but something about that city, is fascinating to me. I love the neon lights and the 24/7 crowd. It’s an excellent choice for a James Bond adventure. It’s not as exotic as Japan or Jamaica, but I like this place. The car stunts are comparable to modern movies.
All in all, the bond formula is restored. It does not make for a great bond movie, but, at least we have entertainment.
Blofeld is Also Back
Even in OHMSS or You Only Live Twice, I liked Blofeld’s global spanning plans. They are always awesome. Silly but awesome.
This time around, Blofeld is thinking of building a ‘laser’ in space, which allows him to target any area in the world. It is for this purpose, he has enlisted the help of a curious scientist guy, who has used science to build the laser using a large amount of diamonds.
Backtracking from this, Blofeld is doing two things — One, diamond Smuggling and Two, taking over operations of a reclusive rich guy in USA. The plan is silly, but somehow, I am beginning to appreciate these bizarre ideas that Blofeld keeps coming up. First he disrupts satellite launches. Then, he tries to capture satellites in space. Then, he tries to use pandemic virus using hot, young women from many countries to hold the world hostage.
Now, huge, frickin laser beams flying around the earth’s orbit!
It’s silly, and it’s getting sillier. But, I seem to be enjoying this camp silliness. At one point, bond escapes in some kind of a moon buggy. Later, he decamps from the moon buggy and escapes in a tiny, 2 feet, buggy three wheeler. It’s all extremely dumb and stupid.
Efficient Assassins, Hot Women and Satire on America?
Perhaps to make up for the lack of obvious fan service in OHMSS, every female in the movie is in revealing costumes and various states of nudity. Even the title song hints at a lot of naked outlines and silhouetted nipples. I do enjoy these things. Still, the producers insistence on, once again, trying to shove a bond girl into a bikini, and make her take part in the final battle for no reason, was too much.
This leads to the most bizarre scene in the movie, a movie, that is already filled with a ton of weird scenes. Tiffany Case finds herself with the big bad for the massive climax. As it is standard for bond girls, she is in the tiniest lingerie they could find. Once more, there is a massive battle, and she decides to join James Bond in shooting the henchmen.
Then, she keeps shooting, and then panics, and falls off the ledge, whilst walking backwards! That’s…that’s Mr. Bean stuff man. That’s Acme cartoon level. Come on! This woman is a hot, confident person who deals in the dangerous business of diamond smuggling. She almost outsmarted Bond, and plays with people like a fiddle.
Why is she suddenly, so dumb?
Combine this with the general portrayal of other American characters, and that implication that the moon landing was staged, it almost seems personal. The movie is made by people in UK. UK, of course, thinks USA took away their ‘top of the food chain’ place after World War 2.
So, is this like, some sort of subtle jab that all Americans are stupid or something? It felt that way to me. Either way, while I enjoyed the hot girls, they seemed to be too dumbed down to be real.
Moving on, we have a pair of efficient, perhaps gay (which is good, because, this movie is from the 70s, when gay stuff was still not cool), and very funny assassins, equipped with an endless supply of one-liners. They managed to one up a lot of people, and even James Bond a few times. If they were more careful, they would have taken out Bond as well, at the end.
These two bad guys are very memorable and they have very unusual deaths too.
Score
I am marathon watching the James Bond movies and I wish to rank them at the end. So, I came up with a numbering system. The scores for this one are here.
- Action and Stunts 9/9
- Coolness Cool 5/9
- Double Entendre and One Liners 9/9
- Hot Women 9/9
- Ludicrous Villainy, Cool Deaths and Traps 9/9
- Gadgets Man! 2/9
- General Awesomeness 5/9
- Boredom Factor -3/-9
Total : 45
Final Note
This movie is like a, stop gap, arrangement. The bond producers, rich that they are, have to pay their bills too. Lazenby quit without warning, and they had no choice but to bring back an obviously reluctant Sean Connery. Considering all this background drama, I did not expect this movie to be great.
I just wanted to be entertained with the now finely tuned James Bond Routine. I got that. I am easily satisfied.
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